BarfGate 2019

So it happened- another parenting milestone checked off the list. No, not the sweet, good ones like “first smile.” Calm down people, this isn’t Facebook. The REAL milestones that all parents dread.

For example, when Biggie was a baby we experienced the common milestone “Poop explosion in public.” How a baby can be totally unfazed sitting it his own sludge while non-adorably kicking his legs in it while we 5k’d it back to our car I will never understand. Babies are disgusting. We learned the hard way to always have doggie bags in the diaper bag. Please learn from our mistakes.

We’ve also been through the extremely mortifying milestone “temper tantrum in public.” This happened in beloved Target, guys. Pour one out for me. Who can be anything but overjoyed in Target?! Toddlers are not human beings, this is the hard proof. They are also assholes, and if you haven’t read that book do yourself a favor and spend the $8 on Amazon to change your life forever.

So now we come to yesterday, where we got to check off “puked their brains out in a restaurant.” Awesome, wow. (I hope you read that in King George’s voice from Hamilton). We had just sat down to eat after paying for our meal when IT happened. Like everywhere. I’ll spare you the details about color, odor, and consistency, but it was a mop and bucket type of deal. Do I need to express how embarrassed we were letting the staff know? No, I didn’t think so. Poor Biggie was apologizing too. So we up and left without eating, which was the real tragedy of this story.

We stripped him down completely in the parking lot, and of course as we get home so does the neighbor, so I’m trying to get my naked as a jay bird 4 year old inside without flashing everyone. The good news, it was a one time deal not a stomach bug, because that’s the only thing that could have made it worse.

I’m not sure what other milestones we have to look forward to, but I’m happy to report this parenting checklist is done for the weekend.

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