The other night I had another anxiety attack. I haven’t had one of those in a while. It had been building up all weekend. I was on edge, I was super emotional and as ragey as a honey badger, with just as many fucks to give. I was sobbing at How to Train Your Dragon 3, and don’t get me started on Frozen 2. I have had little patience these past 2 weeks. Honestly, I have been feeling like I did after Smalls was born, right before I started on therapy and medication. But that’s the thing about anxiety right? It circles back around just when you think you have made it your bitch.
So as soon as we put the kids to bed, I started sobbing. I was apologizing to Dading about how I felt like a freak, and how I didn’t know what to do because I don’t feel like myself. I am a control freak, and I felt so out of control. Anxiety doesn’t discrimate- you don’t just freak about one thing- oh no, you sweet summer child. EVERYTHING that has been bothering you for the last like 5 years jumps on the band wagon. Now it’s stress, and oh yeah I haven’t been eating good, haven’t been exercising as much, I totally lost my cool on someone and oh hey that one thing I said to so and so like last week- do you think they are mad at me about it? The compartmentalizing walls in your brain all come crashing down and now it’s an avalanche of stress, and tears. And then the next day you go to work with puffy eyes and dried out contacts.
I have made it through therapy without crying once. Cursing- fuck yes all the time. But never tears.. until the other day. It has been zero days since I sat on the proverbial couch and attempted to keep my non-waterproof mascara from running. You’re probably thinking therapy is like the ideal place to ugly cry. But I don’t like to let anyone see me cry (except Dading the poor dude), and I never have. Here’s my therapy plug again for those of you who don’t go- I did feel better when I left. I got told my emotions and emotional responses to things are totally normal. And to focus my energy where it will see the most change and do the most good, and don’t waste my time on the other stuff.
I am a successful, hard working woman. I am a good mom and wife. I am a good person. I am doing pretty good in the world for myself and my family. But I have anxiety and it tries to make me forget these things. Hopefully when it tries to fuck me up again I will come back to this post and reread my words and know that I am truly ok.