The bedtime routine is bullshit.

Let me start this off by saying as I am writing this, my 2yo is upstairs banging on his bedroom door. He was put to bed at least an hour ago. Yes we lock their doors, and if you don’t what the fuck are you even doing? If we didn’t lock their doors at night we would never get any sleep.

I know every parent ever could back me up on this- the nighttime routine sucks. I feel like it is easier to take care of these monsters all day than it is to put them to bed at night. The second you start even thinking about calling it they start the negotiations. The 2yo will tell you “it’s not fair.” Ok first of all you little tyrant- no it isn’t. But I’m bigger than you and would like to feel like I am actually the boss for once so GET YOUR BUTT UPSTAIRS NOW!

I hear him calling my name in that pitiful little voice they use to fuck with you. I will remain strong!

I could run the Boston Marathon faster than I can get these kids asleep. And I don’t even run unless I’m being chased. And even then I weigh my options. The bedtime routine doesn’t end when you finally get them in bed and go flop on the couch to veg out- oh no my precious. That’s only the first half. Now the second half begins, where you wait with anxiety to see how long it takes for them to start banging on doors, or figuring out how to unlock theirs and come downstairs (seriously you little shits- you can pick a lock but you can’t remember to wash your hands after you poop? FFS.)

How do kids never sleep and then never run out of energy? This has to be a genetic mutation. In the words of Samuel L Jackson- JUST GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP!

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