But did you die?

I want to start this off by saying we survived 2020… but that seems like a very liberal use of that term. Yes, we made it here, to 2021, but holy shit like we are not ok.

I thought I was done blogging, that I had found other things to take the place of what blogging did for me. Last year I found myself, then lost myself again, and finally feel like I have come out the other side of it all and here I am, needing this blog again. Sorry guys, it wasn’t you, it was me.

I started my own business last year, and thought that I would make that full time and all my problems would be solved. The funny thing about not loving yourself, is all that outside validation never gets you anywhere. So fast forward 6 months from starting my business, and I was lost AF and unhappy. Turns out you have to love yourself first, how crazy is that?

I was not ok last fall. At first quarantine was a chance to slow down, spend more time as a family, breathe for once. But the blissfully ignorant person I was watching Tiger King back in April enjoying the vacation is not the person I was last fall. Everything turned gray, I stopped working out, eating right… lost interest in my business, my hobbies, myself. I pushed close friends away because I thought I was wasting everyone’s time.

Is that depression? Of course it is. My therapist recommended changing meds, and the assessments my primary doctor did backed that up. According to them, I was very much NOT ok. We switched meds, I went into withdrawal because the switch wasn’t slow enough (HOLY FUCK is all I’m going to say about that). Coming out the other side, I still wasn’t at 100%, but I was way better. I realized it was my job to figure out how to get myself the rest of the way, and it caused me to have some tough conversations with myself.

I had to stop looking for other people to validate me. I had to stop doing things to make other people happy, or because I thought that’s what they expected of me. I remember talking to my husband one night and out my mouth came “ I want to be fucking happy.” And there it was guys- my truth. If I was going to be happy then I had to let go of things, and people, that were not filling up my cup. I had to do me, as the kids say.

In the words of our lord and savior Taylor Swift, “long story short it was a bad time.” So I’m back, blogging again, and it feels awesome. This year is going to be a lot about the relationship I am building with myself, and learning to love myself again. It’s going to be me, sharing with you guys, how I am learning to believe that I AM ENOUGH.

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