Lifestyles of the moving and exhausted.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, and that’s because…. we are moving! We are selling our house and building our dream house! This is something DadingWITHOUTanxiety and I dream about when we have those “what if we won the lottery talks.” We never thought we would actually be in a financial position to buy a house. I know I always say we are broke AF and don’t worry, that is still very true. In the 9 months it takes to build our house we are bunking with family, and the sale of our house allows us to pay off all our debt and live off one paycheck while we wait. It’s this perfect mix of events that allow us to do this. We are thankful to our parents for allowing this to happen- taking on a family of 4 with a puppy is no small task, especially with our particular breed of beasties 😉

Everyone who’s ever moved knows it is a bitch. Having the honey-do list of things that need fixing up before it is selling quality, having to pack all your shit so you can stage the house, etc etc. We are super fortunate to have the best realtors ever- shoutout because I know mine reads this blog- and we know we are in good hands. This will be our third time moving, and in case you were wondering- it’s still just as fucking exhausting. I’ve made and cancelled plans like a thousand times with our friends because I overestimate the amount of free time we have right now.

Something that has been nagging me is that I feel guilty for building this really nice big house. When we show off the model home to anyone, I feel like I am bragging about it. It isn’t a mansion by any means, but for us it might as well be. How screwed up is it to feel guilty? We work hard, and we worked hard for this house. It isn’t normal to feel guilty about something you earned and worked hard for. Is house guilt a thing? I’m going to have to work on this.

Obviously, my anxiety has been through the roof lately. Because I have an anxiety disorder, I never know how much is normal person anxiety, and how much is me. I know moving is stressful for anyone with a pulse, so I guess I’m going to have to give myself some slack on this also.

This is an exciting journey and milestone for our family, and thank you for allowing me to share it with all of you 🙂

Return investments.

Something that has really been on my mind these last few weeks is investing. Not in money (you have to have it to invest and we are broke as a joke y’all), but in people. I have a horrible habit of putting people on pedestals. And, of course, they end up disappointing me. I know it isn’t fair to them to do that, because everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect. And they aren’t me, so they are never going to react the same way I do, or do things the same neurotic OCD way that I do them. Sad for them? Pffft, totally.

This is something I have struggled with for years. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I over share, and I pay attention to other people and what’s going on with them. I am a good listener and I try to be there for people. It has been hard to find my tribe that puts in the same effort. I’m not tooting my own horn- I am finally at a place in life where I have some self-worth, and know the things that are important to me and things that make me a good friend.

I think it is this self worth, that I have finally acquired through therapy this past year, that has made me see how much effort I put into people that don’t give it back. Sometimes it’s never texting back, sometimes it’s responding curtly to a friendly email, or someone who doesn’t listen to me when I talk. These are all examples of things that have happened to me, and unfortunately I have a longer list. It used to disappoint me so bad, but now it just makes me angry. Why do I waste so much time and energy on people who don’t really give a fuck? I used to think it was a reflection on me. Now, I know it has everything to do with them.

Life is short. Invest in people who will return it in spades. Let those friendships go that aren’t helping you grow as a person, and are holding you back. Be ok with it, because it isn’t healthy for you to be the one putting in all the effort to keep it going.

You guys, this has taken me YEARS to figure out, and it is so empowering! I still get hurt by it, but my first instinct is to get mad now. The world is so full of negative energy, and if someone turns up their nose to a little bit of kindness and caring, then I’m going to take my investment to a different bank. I would rather be surrounded by just a few people that care, rather than a whole crowd that really doesn’t. Is this a 30’s thing? Someone do a TED talk about this and get back to me.

Live your truth.

So I spend a lot of time reflecting on my personal journey, both with mental health and finding out who I really am. Lately I have been thinking about what it means to live your truth, as we so often hear the expression. I have never been the person to spend money on myself, or buy things for myself- but lately that has changed. I have hobbies, my crafting business I have started (Self Shoutout: check me out on Instagram @MandyBearDesignShop), and goals for my life that I have just kind of figured out (full disclosure on that later, don’t worry guys. It’s top secret for now though 😉 )

And in typical #momguilt, I have felt so guilty about that! I feel selfish for wanting things for myself. How dare I? I have a family! But then I think- if I don’t show up for myself, what example is that setting for myself and my boys? Is it shameful to want to grow myself, both professionally and personally? Am I not also doing these things to give my family a better life and better opportunities?

We have to live our truth, boys and girls. Even if it takes you 32 years to figure out who you are, who you want to be, what you want out of life and where you are headed- you have to listen to that voice inside you (your gut, as my Granny would say). It’s ok to have dreams and ambitions, and they don’t make you any less of a mom, or dad, or spouse.

My truth is that I am not perfect. I struggle with my weight, my self image, and my anxiety. But I show up every day for my hubs, for Biggie and Smalls- and dammit I’m trying to show up for myself too. My truth is that I do exist outside of being a mom. I have hobbies, and interests, and dreams. My truth is that I want more out of life than the status quo. I want to grow, and keep growing, and keep learning. I want financial stability for my family.

We have to be truthful with ourselves. It’s really hard to admit that just being parents is not always completely fulfilling. It’s ok to want more for yourself. It’s ok to go out there and grab it by the balls and make it your bitch. Because in the end, our kids are going to see that they can do and be anything they want, because Mom and Dad did it their whole lives.