But did you die?

I want to start this off by saying we survived 2020… but that seems like a very liberal use of that term. Yes, we made it here, to 2021, but holy shit like we are not ok.

I thought I was done blogging, that I had found other things to take the place of what blogging did for me. Last year I found myself, then lost myself again, and finally feel like I have come out the other side of it all and here I am, needing this blog again. Sorry guys, it wasn’t you, it was me.

I started my own business last year, and thought that I would make that full time and all my problems would be solved. The funny thing about not loving yourself, is all that outside validation never gets you anywhere. So fast forward 6 months from starting my business, and I was lost AF and unhappy. Turns out you have to love yourself first, how crazy is that?

I was not ok last fall. At first quarantine was a chance to slow down, spend more time as a family, breathe for once. But the blissfully ignorant person I was watching Tiger King back in April enjoying the vacation is not the person I was last fall. Everything turned gray, I stopped working out, eating right… lost interest in my business, my hobbies, myself. I pushed close friends away because I thought I was wasting everyone’s time.

Is that depression? Of course it is. My therapist recommended changing meds, and the assessments my primary doctor did backed that up. According to them, I was very much NOT ok. We switched meds, I went into withdrawal because the switch wasn’t slow enough (HOLY FUCK is all I’m going to say about that). Coming out the other side, I still wasn’t at 100%, but I was way better. I realized it was my job to figure out how to get myself the rest of the way, and it caused me to have some tough conversations with myself.

I had to stop looking for other people to validate me. I had to stop doing things to make other people happy, or because I thought that’s what they expected of me. I remember talking to my husband one night and out my mouth came “ I want to be fucking happy.” And there it was guys- my truth. If I was going to be happy then I had to let go of things, and people, that were not filling up my cup. I had to do me, as the kids say.

In the words of our lord and savior Taylor Swift, “long story short it was a bad time.” So I’m back, blogging again, and it feels awesome. This year is going to be a lot about the relationship I am building with myself, and learning to love myself again. It’s going to be me, sharing with you guys, how I am learning to believe that I AM ENOUGH.

Kids- nature’s wrecking balls

These kids need Jesus, and considering I’m an atheist that is saying something. I am not into that “boys will be boys” bullshit so I’m not going to limit this blog post to being a boy mom. Girls fuck shit up to, ya’ll. I said what I said.

So the boys have their own rooms, but end up sleeping together every night anyways. Smalls is always crawling into bed with his big bro. So I had the genius idea to combine their beds into one room and turn the other into a playroom. Sounds awesome, right?

That was YESTERDAY. Let me say it again- fucking yesterday- and today there is a hole in the wall and scuff marks in the playroom. Again- I completely understand why animal eat their young sometimes.

This on top of the Pet Sematary of broken toys we have that are constantly in some state of repair. If I bury them will they come back to haunt the kids and teach them to take care of their shit? I am now seriously considering this option. And it’s totally understandable why they are always broken- the only way they play is toy death matches that involve SO. MUCH. SCREAMING. Don’t try and tell them there is more ways to play with their toys than smashing and crashing- believe me, I’ve tried.

Someone take these children. I wonder if the zoo has any vacancies……

WTAF 2020?!

Ok guys, it’s been a hot minute since I’ve been on here. And in that time the world has gone to hell. Like holy shit right? Remember when we thought 2020 was going to be our year? What a bunch of idiots, LOL on us. So we’ve been social distancing and trying to entertain our children who we are stuck with 24/7 (I so did NOT sign up for this) while simultaneously praying to the god of caffeine that my Starbucks continues to have drive-through. Did I mention we are also closing on our house this week? Could it get any crazier? Please don’t answer that. And in the middle of this apocalypse I’ve learned a few things-

1. Teachers are a manna from the heavens and we do not deserve them. Like how do they hang out with our kids all day and be nice to them and not lose their minds?! If you told me their salary was $1 million I would still say it isn’t enough. And the fact that they still want to FaceTime my demons while school is closed? If any of you read this I love you and also please help me.

2. I actually like hanging out with these little offspring. Truth, they are driving me bat shit insane and I swear all I do is yell and threaten them. But we got to finally teach Biggie to ride a bike, something we never had time for, and that’s pretty legit.

3. Slowing down is pretty awesome. Not having to commute to school and work, rushing to swimming, etc is a breath of fresh air. We are trying to enjoy every second of this pause on our crazy life.

4. If I thought I was grateful before…. Dading and I have job security. We try not to take that for granted. We don’t have to worry about being laid off or losing money. We know many others don’t have that assurance. We are trying to give back as much as we can, and help out anyone we can. We are still able to buy our house because of this job security, and I try not to dwell on the fact that if we didn’t have that we would have lost our house.

So wash your fucking hands. Stop picking at your face. Throw your gloves and masks in the trash, you scumbag. And be nice to people. Tip your restaurant at curbside pickup. Post a nice note to your door for your delivery drivers. Do what you can to make this as tolerable as possible for everyone. Babysit my kids. Walk my dog. I’m open to suggestions 😉