Supermom.

Yes, crotch goblins, Mommy does have super powers.

I can tell by the sounds of your playing that you’re doing something you aren’t supposed to. I can smell dissent and don’t even try to tell me you weren’t guilty. You are always guilty of something, let’s be serious. I can smell bullshit, don’t try me.

I have the power of sarcasm, which thank the gods you don’t understand yet. It’s what let’s Dading and I survive you creatures. I don’t know what we will do when you start getting it. Probably check ourselves into a mental institution.

I can tell by the looks on your faces that you’re lying to me. Or that you don’t like something even when you say you do. I can see when you’re uncomfortable or nervous (I obviously mean Biggie- Smalls could give a shit and has no sense of self preservation or fear. I’m considering getting him rabies tested because he’s as feral as Spot from The Good Dinosaur).

Here’s what I don’t have, despite you both thinking the opposite:

I do not have the ability to gain you re-entry into my vagina. As much as you both try, you aren’t getting in and even if you could I would absolutely not let you. So back the fuck up off me and give me some room!

Even though I can hear everything you do, I do not have the ability (nay, the desire) to apparate every time you decide you need something. For example, I was just in the bathroom, TOLD Biggie I was going in there, and I still heard him ask if I could put something else on Netflix while I was in there. Toddlers and small children have some genetic mutation where they think if they speak, you will appear. That only works when you’re doing shit you shouldn’t (please refer back to the beginning of this blog post).

I don’t have the ability to stop sleeping. I know, I know, this is a tough one for you guys. Because when you wake up your little brains think we should wake up too. And if we lock your doors at night to keep you fuckers on lockdown, (seriously if you don’t do this I cannot recommend it enough) you think yelling for us until I drop in on your Alexa and unhinge my jaw is the answer. I know you don’t understand cause and effect yet, but if you don’t let us sleep we don’t have the energy to play with you all day. Crazzzyyy, right? Who would have thought. I saw something on the Internet that said “children emulate what they see, which is bullshit because they see me sleep and they do not sleep.” You think Mommy and Daddy turn into zero fun assholes when we’re tired? Check the mirror, savages. Pot calling the kettle.

I know you both think my life will be endangered if I sit down. That’s the only explanation I can come up with for why you never let me do it. Small children must also have a scent gland or something that sends an alarm to their brain “parents are trying to relax- MUTINY!” You have actually conditioned me to pace the house instead of sitting and this is some Pavlov’s dog shit that I am not ok with. Patients are not supposed to run the asylum.

I would try and set some groud rules but after 2 months of quarantine no one listens to a goddamn thing I say, so why bother. “You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” Don’t worry Batman, these kids will never let me survive that long.

Biggie needs the Coco Movie.

My 5 year old is obsessed with death. I had to be assured multiple times by my therapist that this was a developmental normal. He does not grasp the full concept of death, but knows when that penguin gets eaten by the leopard seal on the Netflix documentary, he ain’t coming back.

We have no reference point for what is normal for this age. Biggie will forever be our guinea pig. Everything is a first time with him. And he is too young for a real talk about what death means. Maybe when he’s 30 or something.

We put off watching Coco because we knew it was about death. But fuck it, maybe it would be good for him now. Is anyone else dealing with this? It’s still so strange to hear him say something “got dead,” or asking me what his betta fish looked like when it died.

This developmental age also comes with a side of lying like a little fuck, and giving me major fucking attitude I swear to god little human that I love so much- you’re pushing it. I’m being tested. Am I passing? Who knows?

Can we social distance from our kids?

Holy fuck these kids are feral, y’all. The only time they are quiet is when they are sleeping- AFTER the bedtime routine which takes 3-5 business days and the last shreds of my sanity. Every other waking second of the day they are screaming like Olaf in Frozen 2 and someone please send me a Samantha because I cannot deal. Oh and here’s a fun little fact- our house has an echo (thank you lovely high ceilings). So imagine Olaf with a megaphone- no, more screaming. Yeah, like that. The dog is so over it he had to go to the vet because he’s on a hunger strike and having stomach issues. Yeah, me to bitch. But without the hunger strike I’m working on that COVID 19.

It’s a complete shit show here, guys. I let them play in a freaking dirty rain puddle today because that is the level of IDGAF we have reached at this point. I swear my neighbors can hear us at their house. (I actually asked them, but they can’t hear shit over the screaming going on at their own house.)

My children are ignoring the social distancing recommendations. Olympic Gold Medal ignoring- they are so far up my vagina I’m going to give birth to them again when this is all over. This time I want 12 weeks maternity leave to Fiji- alone.

I may start faking symptoms so I can quarantine myself in my room. If I get a mini fridge I would never have to leave. Actually not a bad idea…..

Anxiety, pandemics and real estate, oh my!

So we moved 3 weeks ago into this house we built- FINALLY. Pro level- try and close on a house when the country gets shut down due to an apocalypse/pandemic. Is it ok to laugh/cry on here? I spent at least 2 full weeks scared out of my fucking mind that our house closing was going to get shut down in the last few weeks of the construction.

I went to get my anxiety meds refilled to make sure I was stocked up. They make you take a questionnaire on how your anxiety is and how you are feeling. Then the doctor and I laughed and laughed. How is my anxiety during the age of COVID? Less than awesome, is that an acceptable answer?

I was a fucking train wreck. I was terrified and imaging our dreams going down the toilet. I thought we might lose the house. I didn’t know what to think or what to do. I was eating back up anxiety meds like candy. I was a level of stressed out that was really concerning my husband.

And then… we closed! We actually fucking did it. And we moved- not in the two week vacation while the kids go to school way we thought. We moved while working because we couldn’t take time off. And our parents were self isolating so we had the kids, too. How is moving with small children all by yourself? No- imagine it harder than that. It BLEW.

But now, sitting on this new couch in this new house and feeling mostly settled, I finally stopped taking back up anxiety meds. I think I’m going to be ok, guys. I hope you are safe and ok, too.

P.S- wash your fucking hands, this shit ain’t over yet.

Who’s the boss now, bitch?!

Guys, I did a thing! I started my own business! I’m about 3 weeks in, please excuse my absence as I have been learning all the things. This is something I have wanted for the last year or two- basically ever since reading “Girl, Wash Your Face.” If you don’t pray at the alter of Rachel Hollis who are you and what are you doing with your life?

So it’s a lot, starting a business. You hit the ground running, and there is so much to learn. I am finding out so much about life and myself and how far I can push myself. Am I still wondering if I did the right thing, as my plate is already full? Duh- but I also want to go back to school and that isn’t going to be a cake walk either. So I’m working hard and putting myself out there and I know it’s going to pay off. I’m playing the long game, and I’m having fun.

One thing they tell us is to know your why. Your why is what is going to draw people to you and keep them coming back. So I’ve been thinking about it. Your why isn’t money- obviously money is a bonus. I’m fortunate that I already know who I am, thanks to my journey through anxiety. And I know a little about putting myself out there because of this blog.

But WHY did I start my own business? Well one of the reasons, the biggest one probably, is my family. I want us to be able to live comfortably in this beautiful new house we built. I want us to be able to take amazing family vacations. I don’t want us to struggle ever again.

I need a strong, supportive female presence in my life. I have learned that over the past year. This team I am on is full of amazing, boss women that cheer you on and push you to push yourself. This is what keeps me fighting to make this business successful. I am surrounded by constant support and enthusiasm that I never want to live without again. Call me spoiled, I don’t care. 🙂

I know I am made for more. I was meant for more- I need to push myself farther, out of my comfort zone. As Rachel Hollis says, “if you are the smartest person in the room you need a new room.” I am a little fish in this big pond and instead of making me feel insecure, it is making me feel like I can reach the stars.

Challenge yourself, guys. Believe in yourself, and find other people who believe in you too. Cut out the bullshit and negativity, even, and especially if, it is coming from yourself. You can go get any goal you want. Go grab that dream by the horns and tell it how it’s going to be. Go find your room, and don’t look back.

When quarantine gets ugly.

Today was it, guys. Actually, it started last night. Smalls kept crying in the middle of the night. After the second time I put him in bed with us. Which means I spent the rest of the night and next morning with him perpendicular to me in bed with his hard ass head wedged in my boobs. Lovely.

Biggie came in after daylight because he had an accident. He changed and got into bed with me. Dading had already left for work (I’m working from home, he’s working every other day at the office). When we finally get up Smalls has wet OUR bed. So now I’m washing sheets like we’ve got a headlice epidemic. The dog puked on my new rug. Maybe the kids are making him sick. I can relate.

Cue the usual sibling fighting, Smalls fighting me to go poop on the potty, and then the straw that breaks this mama’s back- Biggie LIED to me.

He tells me his brother got into my pens and is writing on my work boxes. I go upstairs to see toddler scribbles, along with the first two letters of Biggie’s name. If you’re going to lie to me, you little shit, at least cover it up better and don’t tag your graffiti with your own name.

They got sent to their rooms, Biggie lost his shit. Like if anyone is entitled to lose their shit around here it’s me, tyvm. I called Dading crying that I had had enough and needed him to come home.

So yeah. I’m tired y’all. I’m frustrated with kids acting out even when I understand their reasons and wish I could extinguish their boredom. I’m tired of the fighting and the ear shattering screaming that never stops. I’m tired of someone needing something from me every goddamn minute of every day. Did I mention I was tired?

Check on your friends with small children. We may not be doing virtual school, but we are in the toddler trenches and it’s getting ugly down here.

Potty Training, or the case of the second child who is allergic to it.

Biggie was 90% potty trained when we got pregnant with Smalls, at the distinguished age of 2. That kid took to potty training like a pig to mud. Pooping on the potty was his speciality, and he was an over achiever. By the time Smalls was born Biggie had just turned 3 and was totally out of diapers. You jealous? Calm down. Because this isn’t a story with a happy ending.

Smalls never had much interest in the potty. His Tinder profile would read “likes to scream, ignore authority, and loves to shit his pants.” You just finally got around to making your own lunch? Guess what, that foul odor ain’t the trash. You just FINALLY got to sit down on the couch? Guess who shit themselves again. It is making me murdery. And he always tells you he didn’t poop himself. Like the green cloud circling him isn’t a dead giveaway.

You tell him it’s time to go potty and he wants to bring a suitcase full of toys with him. “I bring my monster truck?” Do you want Mommy to have a nervous breakdown?! Get your smelly ass in here, tiny demon with half my genes. Then you put him on the potty and he cries. Like I’m sorry YOU don’t want to be in here? I’m the one who has to wipe you. Cry me a river. Did you really just ask me to wear undies after all this? Wash your hands and get lost.

So Dading taught him to stand up and pee. He likes that, no surprise. He sees his older brother do it, and everything he does it cool so why not. Then he just took it to another level by using candy bribes. You thought this was a game?! And lo and behold, he is on rare occasions pooping in the toilet. And more frequently still blowing out his Pull-Ups.

Why are second children so difficult?! Send wine.

WTAF 2020?!

Ok guys, it’s been a hot minute since I’ve been on here. And in that time the world has gone to hell. Like holy shit right? Remember when we thought 2020 was going to be our year? What a bunch of idiots, LOL on us. So we’ve been social distancing and trying to entertain our children who we are stuck with 24/7 (I so did NOT sign up for this) while simultaneously praying to the god of caffeine that my Starbucks continues to have drive-through. Did I mention we are also closing on our house this week? Could it get any crazier? Please don’t answer that. And in the middle of this apocalypse I’ve learned a few things-

1. Teachers are a manna from the heavens and we do not deserve them. Like how do they hang out with our kids all day and be nice to them and not lose their minds?! If you told me their salary was $1 million I would still say it isn’t enough. And the fact that they still want to FaceTime my demons while school is closed? If any of you read this I love you and also please help me.

2. I actually like hanging out with these little offspring. Truth, they are driving me bat shit insane and I swear all I do is yell and threaten them. But we got to finally teach Biggie to ride a bike, something we never had time for, and that’s pretty legit.

3. Slowing down is pretty awesome. Not having to commute to school and work, rushing to swimming, etc is a breath of fresh air. We are trying to enjoy every second of this pause on our crazy life.

4. If I thought I was grateful before…. Dading and I have job security. We try not to take that for granted. We don’t have to worry about being laid off or losing money. We know many others don’t have that assurance. We are trying to give back as much as we can, and help out anyone we can. We are still able to buy our house because of this job security, and I try not to dwell on the fact that if we didn’t have that we would have lost our house.

So wash your fucking hands. Stop picking at your face. Throw your gloves and masks in the trash, you scumbag. And be nice to people. Tip your restaurant at curbside pickup. Post a nice note to your door for your delivery drivers. Do what you can to make this as tolerable as possible for everyone. Babysit my kids. Walk my dog. I’m open to suggestions 😉

Daylight savings: a war crime.

What genius thought “you know what, parents out there are tired as fuck and already hanging on by a thread. You know what would be great? If we fucked with their clocks.”

Whoever invented daylight savings should be considered a war criminal. I am so fucked up today, have no idea what time it is, and feel like I’ve been hit by a train. Smalls wouldn’t nap, and by dinner time Biggie looked like he’d been on a 3 day bender. They ran around screaming at the top of their lungs today and literally drove me fucking crazy. “Stop screaming” I screamed from the shower as I realized how insane this entire scenario was. No lie, it wasn’t until dinner that I realized no one even had lunch. And I only noticed because they were eating like rabid monkeys, which obviously was super suspicious.

Why? Just why? So it can be bright as fuck when the kids go to bed? So they have more time to play outside before it gets dark? No parent has the energy for MORE playtime at the end of the day. I consider this an act of terrorism.

I know you aren’t supposed to negotiate with terrorists, but I would literally beg and plead and I have no shame. I’m too tired for an emotion like that.

Kids and germs: nature’s PB&J

Unless you live under a rock, corona virus is dominating my Twitter feed. I’m not going to lie- I was getting nervous. I have an asthmatic kid who has put us through the ringer for emergency hospital visits, and things like this usually mean he is more susceptible to getting the funk.

I am not going so far as to stockpile toilet paper, and I certainly wouldn’t waste a bottle of Tito’s if I was a drinker on homemade sanitizer, but I am peeved my Trader Joe’s is out of their very nice hand sanitizer bottles at the register. But let’s talk about the real elephant in the room- kids and germs.

Every time there is some funk going around, the answer everyone spouts is “just wash your hands. Keep your hands away from your face. Cover your mouth when you sneeze.” You just described everything every kid under 8 is allergic to. Biggie spends 90% of his day with his fingers in his mouth, and Smalls takes to goat chewing his clothing like a mom to Target.

Why can’t the CDC ever say things like “if you eat ketchup like crack cocaine and you hate vegetables you have zero chance of contracting this germ” Seriously someone do a study, being 75% ketchup has to ward off something.

It isn’t as simple as just “wash your hands.” If there is a germ within 10 feet of a kid they do everything humanly possible to get at it. And if I had a dollar for every time one of these fuckers sneezed in my face I could finally be that stay at home trophy wife I dream of. Parents are probably more likely to get this stupid virus because our bodies are devastated under the crippling exhaustion of these damn kids.

So yeah, I am concerned about this virus. I did read on the CDC website that kids aren’t more likely to get it, and the symptoms tend to be more mild than adults. And yes, I am hand sanitizing these fuckers left and right. And threatening them in the ass puckering mom tone when I see a hand go in a mouth. I think corona virus is just another way for the universe to try and fuck us parents. I call bullshit.

And now I’m going to go wash my hands, just in case.